October 1, 2004
A free Ezine sent to you monthly by Glen Rediehs, Ph.D.: Personal Coach, Corporate Coach, Organization Development Consultant
Web site: www.SolutionLeader.com
E-mail: Glen@SolutionLeader.comSolution Leader Ezine will give you solutions for your personal life and the people side of your business. Every issue is filled with practical strategies plus a little humor.
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IN THIS ISSUE:Loneliness
A Little Humor
Thought for the Day
Performance Management
If you're an average person, you've probably been lonely from time to time. It's a normal emotion. Experts report that 20% of Americans feel lonely at any one time. One in five do not have a friend with whom they could discuss a personal problem.
What is Loneliness?
Loneliness is an emotion. You may experience it as a feeling of emptiness or isolation. It's a discrepancy between the level of closeness you want and your actual level. People, of course, differ how much affiliation they desire.
Researchers have identified two different types of loneliness. State loneliness is the result of current, transitory circumstances. When the situation changes, the loneliness will dissipate. Trait loneliness is an ongoing sense of isolation, regardless of what the circumstance is.
Being alone and being lonely are not the same thing. Many people spend a great deal of time alone without feeling lonely. Most experts agree that it is healthy to have some private time for oneself.
What Causes Loneliness?
Lonely people report many sources of their loneliness: a lost relationship (by death or breakup), feeling different from others, low self-esteem, lack of social skills, destructive experiences of abuse or rejection, children leaving home, retirement ending workplace friendships, and many others.
Societal changes have contributed to loneliness. Increasing single lifestyle choices during young adulthood and advances in modern medicine in later life create more years of vulnerability to loneliness. Mobility, work requirements, the high value placed on privacy, and other factors add to isolation.
What Doesn't Help?
If your response to lonely feelings is solitary crying, oversleeping, watching excessive television, drinking or doing drugs, overeating, withdrawing and fantasizing better times without doing anything about it - then you can count on more loneliness.
Withdrawing and avoiding others is one way to protect yourself from possible rejection or negative feedback from others. But, it won't ease your loneliness.
How you talk to yourself about the loneliness makes a big difference. If you tell yourself that your loneliness is all your own fault and that it won't ever get better, you are making it worse.
What Does Help?
Recognize your feelings for what they are and accept them. Then: 1) develop yourself and 2) develop your relationships.
1. Here are some suggestions to develop yourself:
- Improve your interpersonal skills. Take a course or read a book. Learn how to ask open-ended questions, to be truly interested in others, to listen attentively, to make yourself the kind of person that others enjoy being with.
- Do a self-inventory. What changes in lifestyle, appearance, behavior patterns, attitudes, etc. will raise your self-esteem and make you more attractive to others?
- Create a positive environment. Surround yourself with positive people and an uplifting environment.
- If you have the time and space for a pet, get one.
- Practice positive, helpful self-talk. Remind yourself that you have good
qualities, that you have had friends, and that loneliness is in your control. Ask yourself what you can do about it.
2. Try these actions to develop your relationships
- Make a list of old friends and acquaintances. Contact them by phone, e-mail,
letter, or personal visit. Not everyone will respond positively, but some will.
Then, stay in touch.- Volunteer. Go where you are wanted and needed: church, hospitals, daycare,
preschools, nursing homes, Meals on Wheels, Big Brothers/Sisters, etc.- Get involved in hobbies or interests that you have enjoyed or think you might
like. Join classes or groups that bring you into contact with others who have the same interests.- Nurture at least one primary relationship. Then develop a larger network of
friends.
Develop an action plan. Write down the steps you will take to change things and deadlines for those actions. Don't wait for your feelings to get you going. Get going and positive feelings will come.
If your loneliness is severe or persistent, make sure it isn't medical. Depression and anxiety can contribute to loneliness. See your physician or other health care professional. If you have suicidal thoughts, call for help right now! It's OK, even essential, to get help when you are stuck.
©2004 Glen Rediehs, Ph.D.
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A Little Humor
Mother and Daughter
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughter's swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about two seconds to say, "Your daughter is pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. And I was hoping that they would show up again. "
_______________Anniversary Dinner
On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife sat down in the den with her favorite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself.
"How romantic!" she thought.
Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be served.
She tiptoed to the kitchen and found it a colossal mess. Her harried husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway. "Almost ready!" he vowed. "Sorry it took me so long -- I had to refill the pepper shaker."
"Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?"
"More'n an hour, I reckon. Wasn't easy stuffin' it through those dumb little holes."
_______________
The Taxi Cab Driver
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied: "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years!
Thought for the DayIce Cream
Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good. God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"
Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my son and said,
"I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
"Really?" my son asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied.
Then in a theatrical whisper he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."
Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes and my soul is good already."
(Author unknown)
Are you wasting your time on performance issues?
If you are like most owners or managers, levels of performance among your employees range from absolutely brilliant to nearly vegetative. How do you manage such a workforce in a way that maximizes performance?
Avoid It
Few managers enjoy confronting poor performance. The fear of litigation or having to cope with an emotional scene can foster avoidance. It is easier to hope that the person will leave or that other employees will do the confronting.
If the manager does confront performance issues, he or she may soften the severity of the problem and be vague about expectations. The employee doesn't get the message and nothing changes.
Besides the loss in productivity and profit, a company's best performers will get tired of picking up the slack for poor performers and may take their talent to a competitor.
Fix It
The most common approach to maximizing performance is to fix the weaknesses and deficits of poorer performers. Many companies conduct extensive, periodic performance
reviews and require personal development plans. Substantial resources are spent in narrowing the "gap" between current and desired performance.If an employee's problems are skills or competencies that can be learned, the time and money is well spent. The company will get a return on its investment.
Frequently, however, a person's weaknesses and deficits are in areas where the individual does not have talent. The manager ends up spending disproportionate amounts of time helping poor performers become average instead of assisting the best to become stars. In the meantime, top performers will become discouraged and may slip down to average or leave the company.
Consider a different approach.
Go For It
Without abandoning your average and poor employees, spend most of your time supporting your best people. Marcus Buckingham and Curt Coffman noted this secret of success in First, Break All the Rules. In How to Make Money In Your Own Small Business, Jeffrey Fox offers this suggestion to maximize workforce performance: Spend 60 percent of your time with your superstars, 30 percent on high-potential people and 10 percent on low performers. Spend your time on winners.
How Do You Do That?
When your best efforts to maximize performance meet with frustration, consider these suggestions:
- Hire the right person for the right position. Use appropriate testing and learn to conduct an interview that will tell you when a candidate is a winner. Provide substantial, ongoing orientation that fully engages new employees - not just a couple hours with the employee handbook.
- Have a clear, specific understanding of what is expected of every employee.
Good job descriptions, explicit standards, accurate productivity measures and regular feedback will set the bar where it belongs.
- If an employee isn't a good fit for his or her job, take a look at better ways to
use the person's talents. Consider the possibility of redesigning the job. If that doesn't work, start a performance improvement process that meets your HR department's policies and hold the employee accountable. Do your part to support the employee's development - but, not at the expense of time you spend with your best people.
- Focus your attention on top employees - the ones that bring the most value
to your organization. Have informal conversations with them to discover their key motivators and development goals. Ask what their superiors do that is most helpful to them. Then, adjust recognition, benefits or perks, and supervision style to fit these valued employees.
- If top performers are interested, assign them as mentors to poorer performers. This will take some weight off the manager and help develop this area of the top performer's competencies.
Intentionally shift your focus from fixing poor performers to developing top performers, from managing problem employees to rewarding the best ones. Poor performers will be identified, assisted or released. Top performers will be recognized and retained.
©2004 Glen Rediehs
What is the best example of managing a wide range of performance levels that you know about? Send your stories, quotes, and thoughts. As space permits, I will try to publish them. Send them to Glen@SolutionLeader.com.
What's the next step in your life? In your business?What do you want to achieve?
What do you want to change?
Coaching will help you reach your goals!
Let's work on your future together. You can make it happen!
PLEASE CALL ME at 704-788-9184 or Email me at Glen@SolutionLeader.com.
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