May 15, 2003

A free Ezine sent to you twice a month by Glen Rediehs, Ph.D.: Personal Coach, Corporate Coach, Organization Development Consultant

Web site: www.SolutionLeader.com

E-mail: Glen@SolutionLeader.com

Solution Leader Ezine will give you solutions for your personal life and the people side of your business. Every issue is filled with practical strategies plus a little humor.

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In This Issue:

How Well Do You Listen? (Part One of a Two-part Series)

A Little Humor

Thought for the Day

How to Manage Your Time

In the Next Issue

Great Communication: How Well Do You Listen?

(Part One of a Two-part Series)

An anonymous saying caught my attention the other day: Conversation is a vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.

There is a lot of truth in that saying. How often have you been in a conversation where both of you entirely missed what each other had to say. You went away mumbling, “He never listens” or “She didn’t hear a thing I said.”

Competitive Listening

It seems to me that most of the conversations we have as human beings are competitive. We are much more interested in arguing for our own position, making a witty comeback, poking holes in what the other person is saying, or telling our own counter-story to the story that the other person is telling. We pretend to pay attention while we are formulating our rebuttal, putting together a humorous retort, or rehearsing our counter-story mentally.

Passive Listening

A somewhat higher level of listening is Passive Listening. You are interested in hearing what the other person is saying, you are faced toward the other person and have eye contact. But, you sit there like an empty cup simply letting the other person fill it up with words. You don’t give any non-verbal cues that you are listening – no head nods or facial expression that suggests you are with the speaker. No “Uh-huh’s,” or comments that indicate that you understand what the person is saying. You’re just there. When people listen to you passively, you probably go away saying, “Well, I might as well have talked to the barn door,” or “Why doesn’t she talk to me?” There’s a big difference between merely hearing someone’s words and really listening for the person’s message or feeling.

Stephen Covey says, “Seek first to understand and then to be understood. I think he’s right. Maybe you do, too.

Active Listening

The most satisfying and helpful form of listening is Active Listening. The speaker gets that idea that you are really listening because you are face to face, eye to eye, you provide non-verbal movements that pace the speaker, you make brief comments that echo the person’s message and you paraphrase what the person said occasionally to make sure you understand. It really feels good when someone listens to you that attentively.

If you’re just “shooting the breeze” or exchanging social niceties, it might not matter that much. If a friend simply asks what time it is, it’s hardly necessary to sit down face to face and listen for how the person feels about whatever time of day it happens to be. But, if there is any substance at all in the conversation – and often there is more to a comment than the surface meaning – then the most important thing you can do is to listen carefully.

How to Listen Actively

Here are some tips on how to listen actively:

• Position yourself to listen. Face the person, make an appropriate level of eye

contact, use head-nods or facial expression to let the person know you are following. Adopt an open posture.

• Focus on the person and conversation. Don’t be sorting your mail, checking

something on your computer or cleaning your glasses, etc.

• Steer the conversation toward the other person’s interests.

• Let the person finish their thoughts before you respond. Refrain from

interrupting and cutting people off.

• Help the person tell his story or express her message clearly. Use receptive

language: “I see,” “Oh, really,” etc. Ask open-ended questions that probe the issue or allow silence so the person can say more.

• Occasionally paraphrase what the speaker said to be sure that you got the right

message. Clear up misperceptions.

• Listen for what is not said – what’s between the lines.

• Be respectful. Validate how the person might have the position or feelings that

he or she has – even if you don’t see it the same way. Validating doesn’t mean that you agree with the other person.

• Suspend judgment and bias. If you listen carefully, you might learn something

that will change your mind.

• If the situation doesn’t permit Active Listening, tell the person that you want to

be able to listen and schedule a firm time to do that.

Benefits of Using Active Listening

There are some pay-offs for taking the time to listen actively:

• There will be fewer hurt feelings and misunderstandings.

• You will improve interpersonal relationships.

• You will gain more friends. People like people who listen.

• You will learn more with your ears and mind open than with your mouth open.

• Other people will listen to your position more willingly if they feel they have

been heard.

• Others will speak with you more frankly and openly if they know you will take

the time to listen.

• Sales people who listen to customers carefully sell more than colleagues who are

busy presenting products or services and singing their praises.

Develop your active listening skills. The benefits will come to you.

Read Part Two, How to Speak Up for Yourself, in the next issue of Solution Leader Ezine.

WANT A LITTLE HELP?

Need a little help achieving the future you want for yourself?

It’s been my life’s work and my passion to help individuals and organizations create their own best futures. Let’s work on your future together. You can make it happen!

PLEASE CALL ME at 704-788-9184 or Email me at Glen@SolutionLeader.com.

A Little Humor

The Catsup Jar

A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of a jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

_______________

Hearing Problem

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things."

"Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness."

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

_______________

The Dalmatian

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.

The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

Thought for the Day

Listen

When I ask you to listen to me

And you start giving advice,

You have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me

And you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way,

You’re trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me

And you feel you have to do something to solve my problems,

You have failed me, strange as that may seem. ...

So please listen and just hear me.

And if you want to talk,

Wait a minute for your turn.

And I’ll listen to you.

-- Unknown

How to Manage Your Time

How come some people seem to get so much more done than others?

How often do you end the day disappointed because you accomplished so little?

Personal productivity is a skill that can be developed with practice. The problem is not that there isn’t enough time. Everyone has the same 24 hours each day. It’s how you set yourself up to use time that makes a difference. Here are some suggestions:

• Have a plan for every day. Work your plan. Before the end of each day, create a “to do” list for the next day. Prioritize the items on your list. Some people sort the list into A’s, B’s, and C’s. A’s are important items that influence long-term results. B’s are the routine, daily tasks that you must do. C’s are the unanticipated tasks and items that should be done -- but, the return on their completion is much less.

• If some of the items on your list are big projects, break them down into smaller, more manageable steps and schedule them over a longer period of time. Set realistic deadlines.

• Set up a tickler file to remind you of prescheduled deadlines, events or appointments.

• As you prioritize the items on your “to do” list, be sure to use importance as the criteria – not just urgency. Important things include planning, strategizing, relationship building, skill- and knowledge-building. If your top priorities are only emergencies, you will spend your days “putting out fires” and never accomplish the things that pay off in the long run.

• The Pareto Principle states that twenty percent of your effort will yield eighty percent of your accomplishments. Figure out what that twenty percent is for you – devote more time to those activities.

• Delegate as much as you can. As you make your “to do” list, ask this question about each item: “Is this the best use of my time?” If not, delegate or outsource whatever you can. Keep the tasks that you do best, those that give you the greatest satisfaction, and those that make the greatest use of your talents and skills.

• Next to each item on your “to do” list, estimate how much time it will take. Add up a day’s worth. Make sure there are enough items on your day’s schedule to feel somewhat pressured to keep moving – but not so much that you end up feeling like a failure at the end of the day.

• Do a “mini time study.” For several days, note the time you start and stop every activity – including coffee time, interruptions, phone calls, etc. Identify and eliminate time-wasting, low-yield activities.

• Block out the time in your day. Take your calendar or PDA and allocate time for each priority item. Hold that time sacred. If someone wants to interrupt, say that you have an appointment. You do – an appointment with yourself. Schedule another time with that person. Block out time in your day to meet with people and handle phone calls. Learn to say “No” graciously but firmly.

• Block out time for yourself, too. A great lunch away from your desk, a daily exercise period, or some other refreshing break, can do a lot to re-energize you.

• If necessary, find a private spot, away from distractions and interruptions to do your work.

• Notice when your peak energy periods are. Schedule your most demanding tasks during those times.

• As you complete the items on your “to do” list, check them off. Give yourself a pat on the back. Reward yourself.

• Discuss time management with your superiors, subordinates, colleagues or team. Decide what each of you can do that will help everyone make better use of their time.

• Stand up when you are on the phone. Keep the conversation on track. You will spend less time on the phone. Unless a caller really needs to talk to you personally, let others handle the phone.

• Handle the stuff in your “in box” or your e-mail in one sitting – not as it comes in. As you pick up or read each item, do one of the following: Take care of it if it can be done in a minute or two. Delegate it if it is not the best use of your time. Schedule it if it will take more than a couple of minutes. Or, trash it.

• Set up a simple filing system that you and others understand. Use it. Clean it out regularly.

• Manage meetings. Before you commit to attending a meeting, ask yourself: “Is the meeting necessary?” and “Am I necessary?” If you attend the meeting, press for an agenda with a time limit on each agenda item. Ask for a start and stop time for the meeting.

• Overall, focus on results instead of just staying busy and putting in long hours. Workaholics die young.

Of course, none of this will enrich your life unless it helps you accomplish your personal and life goals. Managing your time effectively and being very productive – while doing things that don’t fit your values, talents and dreams – isn’t using your time very well at all. Take a step back. Consider the life you want to live. Then use your time to create the life you want.

Who do you know that manages time superbly? How does this person create the life he or she wants – while managing time so effectively? Send your stories, quotes, thoughts. As space permits, I will try to publish them. Send them to Glen@SolutionLeader.com.

WANT A LITTLE HELP?

It’s been my life’s work and my passion to help individuals and organizations create their own best futures. Let’s work on it. You can do it!

PLEASE CALL ME at 704-788-9184 or Email me at Glen@SolutionLeader.com.

In the Next Issue:

How to Speak Up for Yourself

A Little Humor

Thought for the Day

What’s Your Organization’s EQ?

In the Next Issue

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