June 15, 2003

A free Ezine sent to you twice a month by Glen Rediehs, Ph.D.: Personal Coach, Corporate Coach, Organization Development Consultant

Web site: www.SolutionLeader.com

E-mail: Glen@SolutionLeader.com

Solution Leader Ezine will give you solutions for your personal life and the people side of your business. Every issue is filled with practical strategies plus a little humor.

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In This Issue:

How to Fight Fair

A Little Humor

Thought for the Day

Leading Worthwhile Meetings

In the Next Issue

HOW TO FIGHT FAIR

Every relationship has conflicts and disagreements. That’s especially true in the intimate relationships of marriage and family. It’s also true in relationships with colleagues at work and friends.

How successful are you at resolving those times of discord and tension? The secret to success is following the rules of “fighting fair.”

Here are some suggestions for the next time you find yourself at odds with someone important to you:

• Start with the right attitude. Your goal is to understand the relationship better and find out what the two of you can do to more fully meet each other’s needs. If you are in it to win at all costs, you will sabotage the relationship. In a quality relationship, both people feel safe during a conflict and both trust that working on the problem will enhance the relationship, not destroy it. You will know you are “fighting fair” when you open up an issue with that confidence.

• Speak up when something in the relationship is bothering you. Other people can’t read your mind. Saving all the little hurts for ammunition to be unloaded at a later time will only make it harder to resolve conflicts. Deal with the issue as soon as possible. If it is a very heated moment or if the conversation quickly escalates, schedule some time after you have cooled down to discuss the problem. If either of you has been using drugs or alcohol, wait until both of you are sober.

• Start by stating exactly what is bothering you. This must be a very specific, concrete, behavioral statement. Vague generalizations only leave the other person confused about what the problem is. One helpful approach is an “I” message. It goes like this:

“I feel _____ when you _____. What I need is _____.”

(You can learn more about “I” messages from a prior article, How to Speak Up For Yourself. Click here to see that article.)

• Continue by listening carefully to the other person’s response. If it is a calm, rational response, you will likely be able to discuss the problem in a mature manner and find a solution. If the other person starts blaming, accusing, analyzing, shifting the topic, or some other defensive maneuver, agree with whatever truth is in those statements and repeat your “I” message until the other person starts working with you. Remember, that the other person may have legitimate complaints, too. Accept your part in the problem.

(You can learn more about listening skills from a prior article, How Well Do You Listen? Click here to see that article.)

• Seek to solve the problem. Request and offer changes that will make a positive difference in the situation. Brainstorm possible solutions. Bargain and compromise. Don’t give in to keep peace -- the issue will just re-emerge at another time. When you have an agreement, live up to your part of it. Forgive and move on.

During your conversation, observe these guidelines:

• Attack the problem, not the other person. Be respectful. Put-downs, name-calling, threatening, insults, ridicule, and other ways of “hitting below the belt” have no place in a fair fight. Keep the problem the problem. Don’t personalize it.

• Communicate clearly. Speak in a clear, direct, empathetic way. Make concise, thoughtful statements. A monologue about the problem is unlikely to help.

• Be honest. Exaggerations, half-truths, parts of a story, innuendos, generalizations (“you always ...” or “you never ...”), and other “spin” are dishonest ways of avoiding an open confrontation with the problem. Take responsibility for your actions. Don’t make excuses or blame other people.

• Stay calm and rational. Keep the issue in perspective. Maintain your sense of humor.

• Fight about what you really need to fight about. For example, parents who fight with their children about curfew frequently are really worried about safety, drug use or some other teen problem. Spouses who complain about business trips or other brief separations are often really concerned about fidelity or inability to advance their own career.

• Stick to the subject. Work on one problem at a time. The other person may try to change the topic by blaming someone or something else for the problem, counter-attacking with his or her unrelated complaints, or some other effort to shift the topic. If that happens, stop the diversion and get the conversation back on the main issue.

• Keep the issue between you and the other person. Involving children, parents, in-laws, colleagues, neighbors or others into the dispute is unfair to them and will only make a solution more difficult.

• No physical attacks, pushing or shoving – ever!

Great personal relationships are important for all of us – physically and emotionally. Every relationship will be challenged by disagreement and conflicts. “Fighting fair” will help solve those problems while enhancing the relationship. Try it! If the two of you are having difficulty finding a solution, consult a counselor for help with a personal relationship or an appropriate person at your organization for assistance with a conflict at work.

WANT A LITTLE HELP?

Need a little help achieving the future you want for yourself?

It’s been my life’s work and my passion to help individuals and organizations create their own best futures. Let’s work on your future together. You can make it happen!

PLEASE CALL ME at 704-788-9184 or Email me at Glen@SolutionLeader.com.

A Little Humor

Classmates

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 45 years ago.

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

"Yes," he replied.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

"In 1958."

"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely, and then asked, "What did you teach?"

_______________

Children's Notes to God

A nun asked her class to write notes to God. Here are some of the notes the children handed in:

Dear God: Maybe Cain and Abel would not have killed each other so much if they had their own rooms. That's what my Mom did for me and my brother.

Dear God: I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I'm having a hard time loving all of them.

Dear God: Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?

Dear God: Did You mean for the Giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?

Dear God: Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if You did, then I'm going to get my brother good.

Dear God: Thank You for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.

Dear God: Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.

Dear God: I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over.

_______________

Florida

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat.

He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the

overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the

tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."

Thought for the Day

Comfort Zone

I use to have a Comfort Zone

Where I knew I couldn't fail

The same four walls of busy work

Were really more like jail.

I longed so much to do the things

I'd never done before,

But I stayed inside my Comfort Zone

And paced the same old floor

I said it didn't matter,

That I wasn't doing much

I said I didn't care for things

Like diamonds, furs and such

I claimed to be so busy

With the things inside my zone,

But deep inside I longed for

Something special of my own.

I couldn't let my life go by,

Just watching others win.

I held my breath and stepped outside

And let the change begin.

I took a step and with new strength

I'd never felt before,

I kissed my Comfort Zone "goodbye"

And closed and locked the door.

If you are in a Comfort Zone,

Afraid to venture out,

Remember that all winners were

At one time filled with doubt.

A step or two and words of praise,

Can make your dreams come true.

Greet your future with a smile,

Success is there for you!

(Author Unknown)

LEADING WORTHWHILE MEETINGS

Meetings are a regular part of getting things done in organizations. They can be a great way to communicate, to set goals, to develop strategies and action plans. They can empower employees and boost morale. Unfortunately, they can also deteriorate into meaningless discussions of irrelevant subjects, damaging power plays, and boring monologues.

It has been estimated that managers spend about one-third of their time in meetings. Meetings are expensive for organizations and can greatly influence employee attitudes. They should be planned and led thoughtfully.

When you prepare to schedule and lead a meeting, keep the following points in mind:

• Decide whether the meeting is absolutely necessary. Are there less costly options that would be just as efficient? Consider memos, e-mails, a conference call, several one-on-one discussions or phone calls, a videoconference, a taped message, a printed report, or other possible approaches.

• Be clear on the purpose of the meeting and the desired outcomes.

• Establish objectives. Know what you are trying to achieve with the meeting.

• Create an agenda. List the key items that must be covered to accomplish the purpose and objectives of the meeting. Set specific amounts of time for each agenda item.

• Decide on the meeting day and time. Scheduling the meeting just before lunch, at the end of the day or immediately before another one may help keep it on time. Setting a meeting time that is NOT on the hour or half-hour seems to increase promptness. Some people conduct “stand up” meetings to keep them brief and efficient.

• Plan the place for the meeting. It should be the right size for the group, comfortable and conducive to interaction. Consider the seating arrangement that will be most helpful to the meeting’s purpose. Arrange for any necessary refreshments, audiovisual equipment and aids, etc.

• Think carefully about who should attend. Individuals with expertise and/or the need for action on the agenda items will probably be at the top of your list. If the purpose of the meeting requires problem solving or other creative processes, 7-12 participants will work the best. The sky is the limit if the meeting is simply to present information. The agenda can be constructed so that some attendees’ participation becomes optional at some point in the agenda. They can leave and spend time more productively on another task.

• Distribute an agenda, relevant information and any pre-work in advance. Be sure that attendees know what will be expected of them.

• Maintain the integrity of the meeting. Don’t “lobby” participants prior to the meeting in order to “railroad” items on the agenda.

During a meeting, observe these guidelines:

• Start on time – even if people are late. Don’t comment when latecomers arrive and don’t help them to catch up.

• Depending on the group, it may be necessary to review or establish ground rules. Here is a sample list:

Work as a team. No personal agendas, power plays, etc.

Be respectful of each other. No sarcasm, personal attacks, or distracting behavior.

Recognize one speaker at a time – without anyone dominating and with everyone

included.

Focus on listening and seeking understanding before disagreeing.

Stay on task.

Suspend judgment; allow curiosity.

Maintain confidentiality when necessary.

Agree on how to handle electronic communications and messages

Make the group responsible for enforcing ground rules.

• The degree of formality in a meeting depends on its purpose and size. Small meetings can normally be conducted informally. Rules of Order may be required for larger, more formal meetings.

• Review the purpose of the meeting and the agenda with the attendees. Some leaders allow an “open agenda” process at the beginning of a meeting. Items that are not on the prepared agenda can be offered and prioritized. Urgent items can be added to the meeting’s agenda. Others can be reserved for a future agenda.

• Maintain focus on the agenda. If the group gets off track, redirect the conversation to agenda items. If an item cannot be resolved, determine what will be necessary to resolve it, when and how it will be resolved.

• Use a variety of tools and activities to make the meeting productive and energizing. Be careful with the use of charts and graphs. They are only supposed to support and clarify a presentation or process – not be the presentation or process. Too many for too long will put everyone to sleep. Do something a little different and new in each meeting.

• Facilitate intentionally and effectively. Ask open-ended questions, invite different points of view, be sure that people are heard, use brainstorming techniques when appropriate, recognize and reinforce constructive contributions, keep participants on task, keep the group aware of where they are in the process, summarize progress occasionally, help the group reach consensus, make decisions and develop action plans.

• At the end of the meeting, review what the group has accomplished, celebrate successes, thank and give credit to participants. Solicit feedback on how the meeting went. Use this information to continue to improve your meetings.

• Make sure that a record is kept of the meeting: who attended, what items were considered, important information, decisions, action items, assignments and deadlines.

• End the meeting on time.

Follow-up after the meeting is very important:

• If the meeting was more than just a presentation of information, be sure to distribute minutes of the meeting within a day or two. This should include items on the agenda, outcome of the meeting, assignments and deadlines, date, time and agenda for the next meeting and appreciative comments.

• Monitor progress on assignments.

Be a great leader. Make your meetings productive events that inspire your people and add to your organization’s success.

Who do you know that leads efficient, productive meetings? Send your stories, quotes, thoughts. As space permits, I will try to publish them. Send them to Glen@SolutionLeader.com.

WANT A LITTLE HELP?

It’s been my life’s work and my passion to help individuals and organizations create their own best futures. Let’s work on it. You can do it!

PLEASE CALL ME at 704-788-9184 or Email me at Glen@SolutionLeader.com.

In the Next Issue:

Making a Positive First Impression

A Little Humor

Thought for the Day

Transforming Work Groups Into Effective Teams

In the Next Issue

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