June 1, 2003

A free Ezine sent to you twice a month by Glen Rediehs, Ph.D.: Personal Coach, Corporate Coach, Organization Development Consultant

Web site: www.SolutionLeader.com

E-mail: Glen@SolutionLeader.com

Solution Leader Ezine will give you solutions for your personal life and the people side of your business. Every issue is filled with practical strategies plus a little humor.

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In This Issue:

How to Speak Up for Yourself (Part Two of a Two-part Series)

A Little Humor

Thought for the Day

What is Your Organization’s EQ?

In the Next Issue

Great Communication: How to Speak Up for Yourself

(Part Two of a Two-part Series)

Does the following story sound familiar?

John had an irritating habit – arriving late. One evening, he agreed to meet Sue, his wife, at a restaurant at a set hour after work. She had another evening meeting and needed to eat promptly. John was late – again. Sue waited for him and ended up eating quickly, leaving John to finish his meal at a leisurely pace. She was furious, but decided not to say anything. “I’d never be able to change him anyway,” she thought.

How often does this next situation happen?

Just before the end of the workday, Fred’s boss asked him to come in an hour early the next morning so she could discuss some things with him before she left on a business trip. She had done this a number of times recently, and Fred was getting fed up with it. Besides, it was Fred’s turn to drive the school car pool the next morning. He would have to re-arrange the schedule of drivers – something the other parents disliked immensely. Mumbling under his breath, Fred reluctantly agreed. After his boss left the next day, Fred made several long personal phone calls, took two hours for lunch, deliberately delayed solving several customers’ complaints, and left more than an hour early. He figured she owed it to him.

Ever heard about something like this?

Antonio’s new neighbor had a dog, Fuzzy. Every morning and evening, they let Fuzzy out and the dog relieved himself on Antonio’s yard. This created a problem for Antonio when he mowed the yard and when his children wanted to play outside. Antonio became increasingly upset about the situation, but he didn’t say anything to his neighbor. One day after Fuzzy had done his thing on Antonio’s yard, he scooped it up, dumped it on the neighbor’s front porch, rang the doorbell and vented all his feelings about Fuzzy at the neighbor. The neighbor grew red in the face and slammed the door in Antonio’s face. The two neighbors haven’t spoken since and the parents don’t allow their children to play together anymore. Occasionally, Antonio finds evidence of a visit by Fuzzy to his yard. Antonio thinks his neighbor does it intentionally to aggravate him.

When have you had an experience similar to one of these? You wanted to speak up for yourself and try to change a situation. But, how you handled it didn’t help. You may have done one of three things:

• Passive approach. As in Sue’s story, you “stuffed” your feelings and went along with whatever the situation was.

• Passive-aggressive approach. Similar to Fred’s story, you kept your mouth shut and let things go someone else’s way. But, you got even.

• Aggressive approach. You blew up at the other person, as in Antonio’s story. The other person was probably offended or angered and reacted in such a way that the situation ended up worse than it was before.

There is another, more successful approach to handling irritating situations:

• Assertive approach. You express your feelings, opinions, beliefs, and needs directly, openly and honestly, while respecting the other person’s needs. You work toward a “win-win” solution to the situation.

Here are the steps in an assertive approach:

• Set yourself up for success. Pick a good time for the conversation, use a posture and gestures that signal openness and calmness, speak in a firm but pleasant voice, maintain good eye contact and suitable facial expressions, etc.

• Use an “I message.” Usually, this has several parts:

1. State your feelings. It’s tempting to start out by “jumping on” the

other person with an accusation or threat. Instead, start by “owning” your own feelings and stating them clearly. For example, Sue might have said:

“John, I feel resentful and taken for granted ... “

2. State the situation. Sue might have continued:

“... when you are late for activities that we schedule for the two of

us ...”

3. Say why. Sue’s reason might have been:

“... because it gives me the impression that my time is less important than yours and often leaves me in a bind to get to other things I have scheduled ...”

4. State what you need. Sue might have finished her message:

“... From now on, I need us to pick times that we both are sure we

can keep.”

Altogether, it would go like this:

“John, I feel resentful and taken for granted when you are late for activities that we schedule for the two of us because it gives me the impression that my time is less important than yours and often leaves me in a bind to get to other things I have scheduled. From now on, I need us to pick times that we both are sure we can keep.”

• Notice that this is just a report of our feelings and a request for new behavior. There is no blaming, judging, mind-reading of the other person’s feelings or motivation, exaggerations, psychological analyses, overgeneralizations, “shoulds” or “oughts,” accusations, threats, demands, sarcasm, or any of the other things that ask for a fight.

• Be prepared for the person’s response. If you have always been passive, your “I message” may startle and confuse the other person. It is possible that the person will honor your request or attempt to negotiate with you. He or she may become defensive and criticize you. If that happens, try these responses:

1. Acknowledge whatever you can from the other person’s statement that

has some truth in it. Then restate your request.

2. Listen and clarify the other person’s position. Remember that all of us

put our own “spin” on other people’s behavior. You might learn something about the other individual that you didn’t realize.

3. If the conversation starts to go off on a tangent, ask to get back on the

topic.

4. If the other person isn’t listening to your request, just keep repeating

your “I message.” This is called the “broken record” approach.

5. If the conversation becomes heated, ask for a break and agree on a time

to continue talking.

6. If the discussion doesn’t go anywhere, suggest a counselor or some

other mutually respected person to help develop a solution to the issue.

• Learn to say “no” to requests that are unreasonable or impossible for you. Empathize with the requesting person’s situation so that they know that you understand the request. But stick with “no.” You can offer an explanation if you wish. But, don’t apologize (you have nothing to apologize for) and do not make excuses.

• Do not let others impose their behaviors, values or ideas on you. Let them know, respectfully, what you think.

Be thoughtful and cautious about your assertiveness. There are situations in which pushing for an immediate solution may not be wise. It could result in being fired from your job, an unwanted divorce, and other undesirable consequences. Behaving in an assertive manner may be disturbing to others who expect your previous behavior patterns. There may be some rare instances in which another person might react with hostility or even violence. If this is possible, always be sure you have other people with you or some legal or physical protection.

At first, an assertive approach may feel “scripted” and awkward. But, with experience, it will flow like normal conversation.

Using an assertive approach instead of a passive, passive-aggressive, or aggressive approach will bring you benefits such as:

• increased self-respect and confidence

• more respect from others and compliance with your requests

• improved relationships

• happiness with situations that previously were problematic

• better communication skills

If assertiveness is new for you, you might want to share your intentions with a friend, discuss how you will go about being assertive, maybe even practice with some role play. Start with a small issue so that the chances of success are greater.

Interested? Read Stand Up, Speak Out, Talk Back or Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships both books by Alberti and Emmons.

WANT A LITTLE HELP?

Need a little help achieving the future you want for yourself?

It’s been my life’s work and my passion to help individuals and organizations create their own best futures. Let’s work on your future together. You can make it happen!

PLEASE CALL ME at 704-788-9184 or Email me at Glen@SolutionLeader.com.

A Little Humor

Visit to the Mall

A boy and his Father visiting from a third world country were at a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his Father "What is this Father?". The Father responded "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!".

While the boy and his Father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous young woman stepped out.

The Father said to his son "Go get your Mother".

_______________

Renounce Satan!

Father Sullivan was ministering to a man on his deathbed.

"Renounce Satan!" yelled Father Sullivan.

"No," said the dying man.

"I say, renounce the devil and his works!"

"No," the man repeats.

"And why, in the name of all that is holy, not?" asks Father Sullivan.

"Because," said the dying man, "I want to wait until I see where I'm heading before I start annoying anybody."

_______________

The Slacker

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!

The CEO walks up the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "He's the pizza delivery guy."

Thought for the Day

All I ever learned from a dog:

1. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.

2. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

3. When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

4. When it's in your best interest, always practice obedience.

5. Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

6. Take naps and always stretch before rising.

7. Run, romp, and play daily.

8. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

9. Be loyal.

10. Never pretend to be something you're not.

11. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

12. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

13. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

14. Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

15. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

16. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

17. When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

18. No matter how often you are criticized, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.

(Source Unknown)

What is Your Organization’s EQ?

The US Air Force discovered some unexpected competencies that increased their ability to predict successful recruiters by almost three-fold – saving $3 million annually.

At L’Oreal, sales agents who were selected on the basis of several uncommon competencies outsold salespeople selected with the old selection procedure by more than $91,000 – producing a net revenue increase of over $2.5 million and reducing turnover by 63%.

After training supervisors in a manufacturing plant in several atypical competencies, lost-time accidents were reduced by 50%, grievances were drastically reduced and the plant exceeded productivity goals.

You want results like these? You want to know what these remarkable competencies were?

The answer is Emotional Intelligence Competencies.

You have known for a long time that some of the smartest people intellectually demonstrate little common sense and lack ordinary “street” skills. Likewise, some individuals who score toward the lower end of the IQ bell curve are highly successful in life and business. How can this be?

There is more than one kind of intelligence, something else besides IQ. As far back as 1920, E. L. Thorndike spoke about “social intelligence.” Reuven Bar-On, a psychologist in Israel, first coined the term “emotional quotient” in 1985. In the early 1990’s John Mayer and Peter Salovey, academic psychologists, researched EQ and defined it as “the ability to monitor and regulate one’s feelings and those of others, and to use feelings to guide thought and action.”

Daniel Goleman, a clinical psychologist at Harvard and later a writer for the New York Times, built on the work of his predecessors, popularized the concept of Emotional Intelligence over the last decade, and greatly expanded its application in personal life and business.

He identifies four ways that leaders demonstrate Emotional Intelligence:

• Self-awareness: Understanding your own emotions and how they impact your performance and the people around you. Being able to talk about feelings with others. Having a realistic assessment of your strengths and weaknesses and confidence in your abilities.

• Self-management: Controlling disruptive or negative impulses and handling stressful situations well. Taking responsibility for your own emotions and admitting mistakes. Taking initiative and being optimistic.

• Empathy: Sensing the emotions of others, understanding their point of view and being genuinely interested in their concerns. Reading the politics and emotional climate of the organization accurately.

• Relationship management: Inspiring the organization with a compelling vision and being an effective catalyst for change. Strengthening interpersonal bonds, influencing others and developing their abilities. Building effective teams and resolving conflict equitably.

Goleman claims that emotional competence is twice as important as purely cognitive abilities for star performance in all jobs, in every field. For success at the highest levels, he reports that emotional competence accounts for virtually the entire advantage.

There are critics of Emotional Intelligence. They claim that Goleman has expanded the concept beyond what can be called intelligence – into the domain of personality traits. Some critics assert that Goleman is frequently not able to back up his claims with solid, scholarly research. The value of several popular EI testing instruments has also been challenged.

Nevertheless, many organizations have become convinced that the ability to understand and manage emotions improves performance, collaboration with colleagues and interaction with customers. Businesses have reported that the implementation of EQ principles improved such things as:

• Customer service

• Hiring and placement

• Turnover

• Productivity

• Corporate Culture

• Reduction of health care costs

• Conflict resolution

• Profit

Interested? Take a free test at http://ei.haygroup.com/resources/default_ieitest.htm or at http://quiz.ivillage.com/health/tests/eqtest2.htm. Do some reading: Goleman, Boyatziz and McKee,

Primal Leadership: Realizing the Power of Emotional Intelligence or Goleman, Working With Emotional Intelligence. Or, check out a couple of web sites: www.eiconsortium.org or www.eqi.org.

When have you observed emotional competencies make a critical difference in performance? Send your stories, quotes, thoughts. As space permits, I will try to publish them. Send them to Glen@SolutionLeader.com.

WANT A LITTLE HELP?

It’s been my life’s work and my passion to help individuals and organizations create their own best futures. Let’s work on it. You can do it!

PLEASE CALL ME at 704-788-9184 or Email me at Glen@SolutionLeader.com.

In the Next Issue:

How to Fight Fair

A Little Humor

Thought for the Day

Conducting Worthwhile Meetings

In the Next Issue

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